My wife told me it's not my job to make her happy

By Chriss Smith Jr. · First published in Sow the Seeds, 03

"It's a problem. Solve it."

That's the thought that shows up in my head within seconds of someone telling me something hard. It's not a decision. It's a reflex. I'm listening, I'm engaged, and some part of my mind has already gone to work.

I'm a good problem solver. I've been solving other people's problems my whole life, and I'm glad I have the tool. But like any tool, it has to be sharpened and used on purpose. I've worked hard at that, and I'm proud of it, because being present in a conversation is what I love most.

Left on its own, though, the tool overshoots.

Someone once told me everything that wasn't working in their relationship. This isn't working. That isn't working. They're not listening to me. And I said, "Simple. Don't be in the relationship." I had my reasons. I always have my reasons.

They didn't need an answer. They needed me to listen. I gave them a verdict instead.

When I took the WHY.os assessment, my WHY came back "Better Way. Share it." That's how I feel heard. I come up with the solution, and you run it. Which explains a lot. I know in my head that my way is better. But my way being better doesn't mean your way isn't just as good, and it took me far too long to learn to keep that to myself.

Knowing that about myself helps. It can also be a crutch. "I'm a better-way guy, that's just how I'm wired" is an easy out. Knowing how your mind works doesn't excuse you from it. It makes you responsible for it. It's a double-edged sword, and the job is knowing when to use the tool and when to put it down.

It's a big part of how I coach, too. I listen for a long time and let the person work through their own problem before I offer a single idea. Then we build a plan together: small ideas, then action. We plant seeds and don't worry about the harvest.

A friend, Gary Sanchez, gave me a tool to go with the tool. Andrea and I use it. When she starts telling me about something and she's moving fast, my brain jumps straight to solving it. So I take a breath, pause, and ask, "Hey, do you want me to listen, or do you want me to solve your problem?"

Then we can pick the conversation back up on the right road. That's what turns my problem-solving brain off and makes the conversation productive. It's great. It's connecting.

And here's what I didn't expect. It quiets the fixer, and it makes me more present, in the conversation and in the marriage. I'm not flitting off to solve something. I'm listening, responding, asking questions. The gift is in the presence. It has brought us closer together, and it's been just as useful with other people in my life.

Not long ago she was unhappy about something, and I did what I do. I'm a positive guy, so I went to work turning it around. Make it better. Make her happy.

She looked at me eye to eye and said, "It's not your job, Chriss, to make me happy."

It landed like a slap and a gift at the same time. She's right. It's her job to make her happy. It's my job to make me happy. And if what makes me happy also makes her happy, that's a big win.

It also gives us a choice. She does the things that make her happy. I do the things that make me happy. And we get to choose to be around each other, without either of us trying to change who we are to serve the other person.

It's the airplane rule. Put your own mask on first, then help the person next to you.

Here's Step 3, Put It Down. I didn't throw the fixer away. I use it every single day. I also set it down every single day. For her. For my team. For a friend who just needs to be heard.

Finesse is what makes a tool useful. Knowing when to use it, and when to leave it on the bench.

So this week, before you jump in with the answer, ask: Did they ask me to solve it? If you're not sure, ask them. It takes five seconds.

Who in your life has been waiting for you to stop fixing and just listen?

Hit reply and tell me who. I try to read every one.

Next Tuesday is step four, Pick Up the Pressure.

Chriss

Sow the Seeds is a weekly letter from Chriss Smith Jr., former Navy SEAL, speaker and coach. It comes out every Tuesday. Sign up and the free five-step Mission Reset guide lands in your inbox.